The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
