I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
