Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
