just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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