This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
