so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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