So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
