Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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