I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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