there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
