apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
