I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
