you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I FOUND THE LEGS
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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