dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
