u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
