Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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