Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
