Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
