Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
