mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
