Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
