You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
