Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
