I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
