Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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