I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
