got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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