Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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