i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
