Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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