Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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