You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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