I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
