Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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