a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I lost the right to judge tonight
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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