Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Damn victory sex feels great
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