I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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