Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
