I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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