I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
