I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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