after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
