you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
