i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
