i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
