The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
