Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
