yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
