I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
