She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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