i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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