I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
