i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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