what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
